All I can give in return
by Angela Rosela
Summary: All I can give in return...for all your kindness was this one, simple letter. Spain/OC!Philippines


**All I Can Give In Return**

This is all I can give in return…I'm sorry.

Dawn is rising once again, but in my mind, I can only see the big black hole; no where to run, no where to turn…Just the darkness. It's unfair, in my perspective but I know it's not in yours. You were the one who cradled me close, not wanting to let me go. I wanted to soar and you knew that…I wanted to see the world and you knew that…I wanted to leave and, despite how much it pains you, you knew that…You wanted to keep me close and love me forever but I didn't know that…All those vivid memories start to fade…It's been so long…_Demasiado largo…_

I never knew how much my life mattered until I found myself falling into an abyss of everlasting darkness, clinging on to the dear hope of life which was a tiny helpless silver string easily broken without a moments glance. But you came and saved me, just as the string took its final toll. That was only one of the many things you've done for me. _Gracias, me amor…_

You cradled me with pride and joy, cherished me as if I was part of you. You helped my country and I in so many ways that I can never forget. How could I ever forget? You were a valuable part of my life and I was yours. I could never forget the smallest details you've done for me, just like you do with mine…

Everything was so perfect. It was wonderful and serene just the way it was. Sitting under the Narra tree, you'd tell me how beautiful the tree was but then tell me that I was more beautiful. I'd turn away and blush and you'd chuckle at my reaction…But the truth is…_Usted es más hermoso…_

I knew you couldn't always come to my aid. I was so vulnerable and I knew you didn't want me to get hurt. You were so busy trying to protect me but I was too blind to see that. Constantly fighting with pirates, armies and other tyrants on my shores by day, a loving and caring person to me at night… You'd never leave a dinner unattended and you'd always help me even though you were so tired from your chivalrous efforts. A smile never left your face. I never knew why though…but I guess I know now. You smiled because everyday you come home, not only did you defeat your enemies, but you've kept me safe from harm's way once again. As a child, I never did understand. _Ahora hago…_

You were patient and very generous but I wanted to see the world that you've protected me from. I thought that if you were able to survive in this environment, that I would too. How hard could it be? You said no of course. And my heart was crushed. You had never rejected me, ever. I felt anger rage through me like a bushfire, coursing through my veins. Instinct took over reasoning and I began to hit you, but you just stood over me, cradling me, never hitting me back. Tears blinded my eyes and I fell to the ground in a collapsed heap of tears and blood. Only then, did you usher me to a sleep. Your voice was entrancing, magical yet serene. Combined with your gentleness and way with words, it took me as a victim and I fell to your every whim.

Finally you had opened me to the world and I sparkled. The crowd loved me; they adored me and finally got to know me; all while you stood by me, never leaving my side. But that was only one door...one that I wanted to see forever…but of course, you said no.

I was stronger this time and you knew that. I fought back with all my strength. Even if I wasn't a child anymore, I was being selfish. I wanted what I wanted; you just wanted what's best for**me**. I was acting like an immature child in a candy store…Forgive me.

I wanted to be free…

I wanted a life where I can explore the world at my own pace…

But I was held back. I saw what was happening around me…My people…My country…_Mi alma_…

They all fell at your hands, and I knew now just how merciless you really are…Yet, even as I stand here, I still couldn't understand how I didn't end up like that…You picked me up and held me dear…As I write this…_Estoy reteniendo los lágrimas._

Then _he_came along and promised me freedom. It was stupid to side with him. I wanted to be free from my 'cage' so badly that I sided with him. I fought you by his side but he forced me away, he told me I didn't have to fight this war. He told me to stay out of it. It was between you and him and I obeyed. I couldn't object. Once it starts, it has to be finished. No objections in between. It was a foolish decision to begin with and foolish mistake right to the end. _Soy tal idiota…_

I could never forgive myself for what I've done…

To you or to my people…

It was my fault and you had to suffer…

_Lo siento, me amor…_

Now look at where I stand. It was a foolish decision that I made irrationally and now this…I'm once again trapped in a ruthless bind…Now that you're gone, I realized how badly I needed you. Only then did I remember your face…I remember seeing you stand there, stained in blood…a horrified expression staring right at me…I couldn't shake the feeling of my heart being ripped from my chest and stomped on again and again in an endless cycle...How could I have done this to you! I couldn't stand any of this and all because I wanted to be free from the safety you provided me. Thoughtless, it 'twas…

As stupid and irresponsible as I am, do not feel any pity for me, it was my own fault and I intend to see this one through, with my own fighting power; one that you have taught me so long ago. _Gracias…_

As much, as I want to say that the reason I want to be free is to be in your arms again, you know I cannot do that. After all we've been through; I just can't cry and say that. It had taken me a while to even write it down. I wish I could run into your arms again as immaturely and irrationally as that decision and scream how sorry I am and how much I missed you, but I know I have to do this on my own. I can't always have you rescue me from every dire need. _He aprendido mi lección…_

I want to see you one final time before all this mess tumbled out of proportion. I wanted you near me before my battle begun. I…

I never intended to ever leave your side, I've always loved the way you took care of me; the perfect upbringing. But even then, I was reckless…This is the one chance I can make up for my stupid and thoughtless actions. I wanted us to spend the last night we can together in peace.

"_Lo siente, me amor…_

I didn't intend to hurt you so much like this…

I didn't intend to hurt you at all…

All because…

_Minahal Kita…"_

With lots of love,

_Las Filipinas_

* * *

**A/N:**Translations for the words are here in the same order...

It's been so long..._Too long_...  
That was only one of the many things you've done for me. _Thank you my love_  
But the truth is…_You are more beautiful_…  
As a child, I never did understand. _Now I do_...  
My people…My country…_My soul_…  
As I write this…_I am holding back my tears_.  
It was a foolish decision to begin with and foolish mistake right to the end. _I am such an idiot_…  
_I am sorry, my love_  
One that you have taught me so long ago. _Thank you_.  
I can't always have you rescue me from every dire need. _I have learnt my lesson_  
_I am sorry, my love_  
_  
I loved you..._

I didn't want to put it up there with the letter because I thought it would ruin the transition of it all...I also may have the Spanish words wrong but hopefully, they're understandable...Hope you liked it...! ^^

Disclaimers Apply: BrainDribble Fiction based on NonFiction. Nothing but the insane braindribble is mine.  
This is also posted on on LJ: Hetalia_ph under xx_ria_chan_xx. It is okay!  
Reviews are also muched loved. Thank you!


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